Gwyneth Paltrow Is Trying To GOOP-ify Cameron Diaz

Cameron Diaz is single, hops from dude to dude and spends her money on booze, pussy lube, booze, pussy lube, booze, pussy lube and booze that doubles as pussy lube. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we don't see any problems with this. But I guess Cameron Diaz wants to grow as a person or whatever, so she's asked GOOPY Paltrow to be her life coach, because if anybody knows how to rid the shit from your life, it's her. GOOPY Paltrow is practically a human colonic. Also, when you ask GOOPY to be your life coach, be prepared to escort "Fun" to your front door and hug it while saying, "Fun, I probably won't see you for a while, but it's been you. Try not to have too much YOU without me. Bye, girl."

The Sun says that Cameron thinks she's having some kind of mid-life crisis, so she asked GOOPY to sort her life out. GOOPY showed up to Cameron's house and after she poured all the booze into the sink and threw away all the bottles of pussy lube, she put a CLOSED sign over Cameron's sex parts. GOOPY banished the dick from Cameron's cooch for a full year. The source put the sad news like this:

“Gwyneth’s sorted out everything from finances to hooking her up with her trainer. She has also forced her to swear off sex for a year, saying men distract her focus.”

Having seen The Green Hornet, I know that Cameron makes a lot of bad decisions and maybe she should settle down a bit, but taking a sabbatical from peen for a whole year?! How in the hell is that going to help her to focus? That's going to make things worse. When Cameron is chanting with the Dalai Lama and GOOP in the mountains of Thailand, it's going to be really awkward when she stops OM-ing to ask one of the monks if he wants to go behind a rock for a quickie since she hasn't been laid in 6 months and her coochie has gone into starvation mode. When Cameron is training with Tracy Anderson, it's going to really ruin their workout when she starts humping one of Tracy's arms since Tracy's arm looks like an extra veiny dick shaft. Any doctor will tell you that quitting dick cold turkey is not recommended. You have to wean off the peen.

Just look at me, I have involuntarily quit the dick and it took me 20 minutes to write that last sentence, because I was too distracted with window shopping for uncut peen on Google Images.

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